You have to decide when the time is right to move on, pick your self up dust your self down and keep on moving. I like to think, and im sure i am right but mum is proud of me. Proud of us and how we have all turned out. With something like this comes a lot of emotional baggage, baggage that weighs you down blocks other things from coming through because it is all you tend to think about. You have to try to have a spring clean almost, a spring clean of the mind.
Was this the way I wanted to continue? no
Would what I was doing to myself good for me? no
And so the questions could if you wanted to go on, but whats the point? The more time you spend on pondering could be time spent on moving towards the light at the end of the tunnel. It was and is in truth a paradigm and this needed to be changed. I could almost see and hear my mum telling me off, to sort myself out and that’s exactly what I needed to do. How I did it…..I really don’t know for sure I’ll be honest I just did. I wasnt going to allow myself to sink back into the depths of ‘stupidness’, cause that’s what it was, it really was for me. You have to take control so what did I do? I distanced myself from the whole thing. Rightly or wrongly I kind of disappeared, I moved to the midlands and changed my name i closed all bank accounts and i guess in a way…..Antony Brian Stedman kind of died.
No one knew where to find me and indeed my own sister actually thought I was in liverpool, when I thought the coast ‘clear’ i started to give birth to the name i now hold. And there he was standing before me in a mirror a more confident guy who takes no shit, a skin a bit thicker than it was before. I had created a new life up here two gorgeous children and no one was going to ever take that from, couldn’t take it from me.
I remember vaguely when dad died, I say vaguely because I don’t remember the date. I asked my sister the other day, yes she told me but do I remember now a few days later? no. I had to go into his flat to help my sister clear things out, and then I saw how he was living. If im honest brutally honest NOW my heart sank why? When my dad was almost out of prison both my sister and I verbally agreed to dad that we would pay off the remainder of his pension if he would sign everything over to us…….I didn’t follow through, at the best of my knowledge I didn’t. So going back to his flat after he died, did I help create this? Call it a momentarily relapse I don’t know but I actually felt sorry for him, the feeling got worse when we went to the hospital. My sister went into the room the doors flung open and I caught a brief glimpse of him laying in a coma rigged up to a support machine (at best the description I can think of) did I help create that? Did he deserve to be like that?
The doctor at the time did say to us at the time that he was in a coma and that was a result of a stroke, but the symptoms of the stroke after a brain scan should not have killed him and it didn’t make sense.
I read a book nearly 3 years ago and embarked on studying the mind and positive thinking, and what I know now about what i have just typed about the doctor makes me think. It makes me think that maybe it was an apology by him, by my dad. I did say at the time after he died that he didn’t want to come out of the coma that he had given up. It was a apology by way of releasing us from his presence, evidence of what had happened and what he did. The book that I read and further books that I read and continue to do so help me to forgive. I know, I know what you are thinking. But I had to release my self from the thoughts I was thinking, I didn’t forgive him for what he done but how he made me feel. You have to let go and make way for better things, you can sometimes get so caught up in certain thoughts you forget to move on and work towards other dreams bigger dreams. Needless to say I did get back in contact with my family, with my sister, I had a new life now a better life and I wanted to show that to the world. It was the best thing i ever did…………..