Bereavement of any nature can change you can change your world, when you know it’s coming at least you can make plans when it comes through some sort of illness. Mine was a case of surprise one minute mum was there the next she wasn’t. How do you prepare for that? How do you deal with that? Especially in the way she left us, was taken from us. Where do I go now? What do I do? These were questions I asked my self immediately after the fact. Dad was now in prison and mum gone at the cause of his hands, it could be said on that day I actually lost both parents. I made a decision that day that dad was out of my life I would never have nothing to do with him again. Anyone that takes a life has to be accountable in any way shape or form they cannot be seen to benefit from it. And in my mind me continuing to have a relationship with my father even after he had killed mum for me was never an option. I wasn’t alone I had family I had a sister, who in truth was in the same boat as I was. Now I just had to get on and try and continue to rebuild my life as best I can…….however as I came to find out this was not going to be as easy as I thought.

When I was younger I was diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat, I say younger I must have been about 17 it was never a problem and it wasn’t, at the admission of doctors not really life threatening. Every now and again my heart would just jump out of rhythm and then of its own accord would jump back again.

Alcohol was always a part of my ‘going out’ phase but over indulgence started to take its hold as time went on. After going to see dad in prison to find out why he did it only to be met with the answer “you can only take so much’ doesn’t tend to make the recovery process any easier. The pain and the sadness and loss has to find an outlet somewhere. For a short time yes I did live with members of my family, but as an adult they only have a certain amount of control in the welfare of my being that they chose to exercise. The inheritance came (and went) and I bought a house, got married and then ended at my declaration to friends of me being bored. Knowing what I know now and what I have learnt Sub-consciously I was a restless soul. I have never received counselling and still don’t wish to, I know me then as I do now and you create your own life and the things that I did back then needed to be done.

Passing out because of the effects of alcohol was a must as soon as I took the first sip on any night out. Sleeping on a park bench in the middle of town simply because I was off my face didn’t seem to phase me at all. Even being sick in my sleep was something that didn’t worry me, it almost seems part of the healing process as I think about it now. I look back now and wonder whether or not it was a bit of a hinderance to others when I got in some of the states I did. Many a time I would go to the ‘offie’ round the corner “bottle of JD please mate” ain’t got none right then give me a couple of bottles of wine then. On both instances the bottles would be emptied, turning up for work with alcohol still in your system and vomiting out of the van door whilst still going down the road is not always a good look.

MR JACK DANIELS became the friend I most liked to spend time with, however back then I stated I was not an alcoholic I was never dependent on it I just liked to get drunk,but as my partner says now I was never sober enough to know if I was dependent on it. Maybe that’s true I don’t know, to me it was easier getting to sleep when I was drunk. 23 bottles of fosters ice in one sitting at a party then asking or trying to prompt others to keep going in a nightclub in town couldn’t have been a good thing to do. This kind of behaviour had to have some effect, had to take its toll and it did. It started to play havoc with my heart the rythmia imbalances started to get worse, racing heart pains in the chest because of it. Did it stop me from drinking of cause it didn’t, I became a regular visitor and general piss taker of the nhs system going in and out of hospital going on a drip feed of a drug called FLECANIDE. A drug that reduces heart rythmia and relaxes it into its natural beat, once released and homeward bound a quick phone call and several drinks later a good nights keep was had by all especially me.

I remember on one occasion when I was at work my rythmia was really bad, it all came to head after a 2 week (yes 2 weeks) binge session. I went into the medical nurse to say my heart was racing and after she felt my pulse and gaining the colour in her cheeks again she called an ambulance. I was taken to Whitechapel hospital and I was there for 3 days. In that time the placed me on the drip again only this time as my heart was so fast it didn’t work. I was wired up to a heart monitor and my heart was racing at a rate of 230 beats a minute……….not good. Something had to be done and at the declaration of the doctors “time to take it to the next step”. Being told at the age of 24 that I have to sign an insurance form in case I have a stroke due to a blood clot as a result of a racing heart is a bit worrying. The method they were going to use………they force the heart to stop, to literally stop and then restart it again. Wheeled into a theatre knowing that someone wasn’t just going to put you to sleep again is very worrying. However it worked or just about did. I was told after they used a defribulator to stop my heart then the plan was to restart it but it didn’t, not straight away anyway. All in all they ‘defribed’ me a further 2 times to get my heart started.

I’m grateful that it did but was it a wake up call it was really, would mum have wanted me to carry on like this…….no I don’t think so.

(PART 1.         )


3 thoughts on “TRAGEDY: it can make you or break you……(part 2)

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