TRAGEDY: It can make you or break you, guess what it did to me? (Part 1)

I want to share something with you, something I don’t often talk about not in great detail anyway. I have decided to pen this in the hope that someone can seek solace from it. That if you are stuck in a certain thinking bubble and finding it hard to get out of………..I’m here to tell you that there IS light at the end of the tunnel and it does get better.I’m going to tell you what happened first, direct and to the point and then together we can go from there. Together we can instil in your thinking that if you are down you can pull yourself out of it.

27th of November 1994 was not an ordinary day it was the day my mum died the day my mum was taken, how? She was killed, she was killed at the hands of my dad in a way that I can only describe as horrific but straight forward. Her life was ended as a result of a hammer attack, maybe a moment of madness I don’t know. I did go to pentonville prison once to ask him and I didn’t really get what I would call a straight answer. “You can only take so much” so much of what was my thinking, sure everyone argues but do we have the motivation or the inclination to “do our partner in” which apparently is what we he told the police. Fair enough I guess he handed himself in, resigned to the fact I hope that he had done wrong, that he had extinguished a life the life of our mum.

It was a Sunday the day after I had been on the piss with my mates, one of my mates came to our house and stayed. We walked in the door and mum was sleeping on the sofa tv still on, boys being boys we woke her up the mate that came to stay mum had known since he was a toddler. We both woke up in the morning and the house was empty blissful, peace and quiet for once lol. Little did I know at the time that the night before would be the last time I saw my mum alive, I assumed mum and my sister went out for the day shopping I later found out that they did. This was the days before mobile phones were commonplace you had to have plenty of money to own one, so contacting someone in an emergency you had no chance. So both me and my mate went out and we was out all day completely unaware of the events taking place that day. We used to live in Romford but started our life in the east end so all the people I know well, they were all back there and that is where I was. It wasn’t until my drive home that I knew something was wrong, I had gone past my sisters house and literally just as I drove by there were police going into the door. It only occurred to me sometime after that how it was perfect timing, as I was driving by that’s the exact moment when the police got there. Almost as though I was meant to see that preparing me for what’s to come.

I turned into our street which was almost like a cul-de-sac I say almost because it was in the shape of a T rather than like a spoon effect. You come up a straight road then turn left towards our house and that’s when I saw it. Police everywhere and I mean everywhere, it’s funny where we get information from and I got mine from all the cop shows I used to watch. Because when I saw the police tape across our drive that is when it hit me, the feeling that something is very wrong. Not just someone in trouble but something very wrong that and the fact there was a copper standing slap bang in the door way. It was almost as though the tape wasn’t there as I walked up the drive to the front door only to be stopped by the copper asking who I was. After arguing with him saying it was my house and coming close to maybe putting him on his backside I was ushered to a car, a small whipper snapper detective in tow or that’s how he looked at the time now thinking back (bearing in mind I was only 21 at the time).

I sat down on the passenger seat door open and he knelt down on the pavement in front of me, ” Antony (now it was only my mum that used to call me that other members of the family lazily using Ant) there has been an incident in your house between you mum and dad, I’m really sorry but your mum has passed away”. The world that I had known had gone everything had gone everything that was either planned or thoughts that were being worked towards…….had gone. It’s almost like being surrounded by friends but them friends are in fact dreams and ambitions and slowly they walk away waving simply cause you told them to piss off there’s no point in them being here no more. At this point I still had no idea as to what happened it was only down to the mere fact of me badgering the detective and I guess you could say getting aggressive with him that he told me. ” we don’t know the exact details at the moment Antony , your dad is at your sisters, from what he has said to our officers there with him now he has admitted to killing your mum”

And so it was my already crumbling world had been grinded into a powder with no hope of a ‘big bang’ and starting a whole new world and being able to pull myself together………..what do I do now? We were taken to the police station I was separate to everyone else as was my sister, me spending hours and hours with THE detective who said it was ok to call him ‘bunny’. Much talking was done about trvial things really but the one thing that kept drumming away in my mind was ‘I wanted to know how he did it’ why? I have no idea needless to say for hours bunny said he couldn’t tell me until after a moment away from the room giving me the chance to make a few private calls he came back with the permission to tell me what I needed to know……….13 blows to the head with a blunt instrument…”after again badgering him he declared it was with a hammer. That was the final blow to me as well, the final blow to any motivation I thought I had left.

People up and down the country deal with this kind of thing, little did I know how it would affect me. How it would change my life forever and how that started a chain of self destruction for a number of years……………….